Breast Cancer and Friendship | Girlfriend Point of View by Shasta Nelson

Breast Cancer and Friendship | Girlfriend Point of View by Shasta Nelson

Shasta Nelson GirlfriendCircles breast cancerOctober is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As we celebrate with the survivors and remember those who bravely fought, we come together as girlfriends to remind ourselves and each other about the importance of fighting all women’s cancers.

In this guest blog, SHASTA NELSON (of Girlfriend Circles and author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen) reminds us to work together, to support each other, and to recognize what is most important in our lives.

“Slow down! Don’t do it alone!” the stranger said to me as he passed me on my morning jog. I tried to smile, but what I really thought was: “What kind of a guy has the audacity to tell me what pace to set as though he thinks he’s my coach?”

Then horns began honking, pink pom-poms were everywhere on passing cars and in front of me a group of five women cheered in response. And two more in front of them followed suit. And as those cars made their way down the busy street, small little groups of women, flashes of pink dotting the sidewalk, seemed appreciative of the praise. I looked over my shoulder and quickly realized that my typical exercise route was being shared today with the amazing women participating in the Breast Cancer 3-Day Race for the Cure. I was on their course. I glanced down and chuckled, for unintentionally my outfit was black and pink. He had thought I was one of them.

And I suddenly felt somewhat guilty. Not only for being cheered as though I were steps away from completing the 60 mile, 3-day race when in fact I was simply a girl trying to get a few miles in on a day that otherwise was a lazy Sunday; but also because I had appeared to be a solo jogging dissenter in an event that promoted community and walking.

If Life Could Be…
I crossed the street and spent the rest of my run pondering how amazing life would be if we could model this race:

  • Where who you do it with counts more than how fast you do it.
  • Where in fact, pacing oneself for the long-haul is of higher value than speeding past someone.
  • Where the journey matters more than simply reaching the destination.
  • Where we care more about our health than our appearance (I saw some seriously ‘over-the-top’ outfits today! LOL!)
  • Where slowing down to walk with someone who’s tired is more the purpose than a delay.
  • Where it matters more to us that we “all” make it, not just me.
  • Where strangers feel bonded because of a combined passion for a cause.
  • Where women cheer for each other, rather than compete.
  • Where men look overjoyed to be driving in cars covered in pink, honking for women and their success.

Oh to live in such a world! If it simply sounds like a pie-in-the-sky dream, consider the headlines we’ve all seen from research out of the University of Chicago: Loneliness Heightens Risk of Breast Cancer. While we all feel the pull to do more, be more, and be better than everyone else, a reminder that sometimes just increasing the stress in our lives to be the one jogging up the hill, while everyone else walks in groups, isn’t necessarily success.

Celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness!
So this October, as we celebrate National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, send your cards celebrating their lives to the women who have survived this disease, and honor the memories of those who didn’t. Wear your pink proudly and buy those products whose proceeds support the awareness and research we still need in this battle. Schedule your mammograms and value your breast health more than your breast size.

But above all, perhaps the wisdom of the stranger who cheered me on this morning might become your mantra this month? Words to be taken seriously: “Slow down! Don’t do it alone!”

SHASTA NELSON (@girlfrndcircles) is a relationship strategist, life coach, author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen, and founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a womens friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. She blogs weekly at Shasta’s Friendship Blog and for the Huffington Post.

How has cancer impacted you and your female friends / friendships? We’d love a guest blog on this for October. Please share!

For more girlfriend advice on cancer and female friendships, check out these blog posts:

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5 ways to be Happier | Women & Happiness

5 ways to be Happier | Women & Happiness

happier,happiness,friendshipA good friend wants you to be happy. Right? A best friend will do whatever it takes to make sure you’re happy. Life is about happiness, right? Thankfully our girlfriends care about our happiness.

A World Happiness Database study found that people with close friendships are happier.

That’s why, as a girlfriend, we want our friends to be HAPPY. Here’s our 5 ways to be Happier:

  1. Do what you love. I was raised by an artist mom and I’m creative. I know that I need to find creative outlets in my life to be happy. What makes YOU happy? What do YOU love? As a girlfriend, I want you to go after your dreams – to be happy in what you do with your life. So, please … do what YOU love!
  2. Spend time with people you love. Life is way too short to spend time with people who don’t love and value you as much as you deserve. Our time is limited and we get to choose the way we spend our time. Busy? Doesn’t matter. Time is limited. Spend it with the best people you know – the friends that honestly love and care about you. (Want to know how to find time for your friends? Check it out!)
  3. Make others happy. It’s a funny thing – but making others happy actually makes us even more happy. Do a favor for a friend. Make her feel special – make her life easier. Give a thoughtful, perfect gift. Remember to ask about her day, job review, doctor appointment. Make it about her, not you. Do the little things that make her happy. I guarantee you, you’ll be happy too.
  4. Appreciate the real things. It’s not the monetary, big things that matter – it’s the friends who were there for us, the little things that make us feel special. It’s also the sunset, laughter from a child, wag of a dog’s tail, shoe sale, the comfort of a hand to hold whenever you need them. It’s the little things. Be thankful. That will make you happy, and that’s a very good thing.
  5. Be happy with you. Girlfriend, you are perfect. You are enough. You have everything in you that you need. You are loved by your friends. Your friends don’t see any wrinkles or weaknesses, gray hairs or flaws. Please know that you are loved just the way you are. Your girlfriends see all the beauty and the gifts that you possess. Your true friends want you to see what they see – that you are perfect just the way you are.

Girlfriends – your friends – me included – want YOU to be HAPPY.

What’s your advice for happiness? What do you wish you or your girlfriends were reminded to be happy about? Please share.

For more on happiness, check out these books 🙂

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Library Love Notes | Gather a Few Girlfriends and Spread Love!

Library Love Notes | Gather a Few Girlfriends and Spread Love!

playground artist guru love letters, prayer All that you hold in your heart, all that you wish and dream and long for, it is all beautiful. I believe in you.

Rachel Awes

Unexpected surprises. Random acts of kindness. Things that brighten someone’s day.

All wonderful blessings. Especially when you needed just that. Girlfriend Guru (and fabulous artist) RACHEL AWES and her friends shared this surprise blessing with book lovers in their home town. (Maybe you and your friends could do something like this …)

I recently gathered a few girlfriends and met at our local library. We came armed with various sizes of paper and lots of different colors of crayons and markers and scissors. With our secret mission in mind, we huddled together in the back and began writing our love on to little notes to place in books. Once ready, we found various books and left our anonymous girlfriend love mark. It was fun to choose which book. My favorite was leaving one in Judy Blume’s book “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret”. Then we hugged good-bye and went on with the rest of our day.

This was both a joyful and meaningful way to be with girlfriends! Spreading love, like sending out notes in a bottle to an ocean. The big blue awaiting our hearts.

If you might ever do this, there are so many things you could put on paper! Here are just a few ideas:library notes, girlfriend get together

  • You Are Beautiful
  • You Are Loved
  • Your Life Has Deep Purpose
  • Your Dreams Matter
  • (A longer note): Dear Reader, All that you hold in your heart, all that you wish and dream and long for, it is all beautiful. I believe in you. Take that next step. Even if a little one. Anything of depth is made of little steps. That’s how we swim into an ocean. Harps and guitars play for you. Your heart beat plays for you. I am so glad you are here. Peace and love always to you.smiley faces, sharing friendship

Or maybe you’d prefer to meet your girlfriends at a bookstore and do this. Or a coffee shop. A magazine rack at the grocery store or Target or the place of anywhere.

Pretty soon, maybe we’ll find that we and our girlfriends can spread our love to the whole wide world.

RACHEL AWES is a psychologist, art playgroundist, writer, wife, mother & friend, who loves listening to the beauty in people. You can see more of her art or her artistic thoughts on Pinterest. You can also read more of her work on her blog

What are your tips for sharing joy, girlfriend?friendship,girlfriends

And check out Rachel’s other FABULOUS blogs(and her gorgeous art):

Girlfriendology believe in you, rachel awes, friendship quote

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Nine Ways to Help Girlfriends Develop Positive Body Image

Nine Ways to Help Girlfriends Develop Positive Body Image

Help a friend with negative body imageHow’s your BFF’s self-esteem? Is her body image positive or negative?

We women are notorious for our lack of self-esteem and negative body image. We’re so tough on ourselves!

“Step Away from the Mean Girls & say bye-bye to feeling bad about your looks.” Oprah Winfrey

Some of us wish we were taller, others shorter. The list goes on and on. Girlfriend and guest blogger CRISTINA FAHRBACH-CONNORS shares her wisdom about helping us all have a more positive body image.

We all love our girlfriends, so what do you do when you have a friend who doesn’t realize how great she is? I’m talking about positive body image. We’re all uniquely beautiful, but sometimes we just can’t see it. Girlfriends don’t let girlfriends hate their bodies! Here are nine ways you can help a friend if she’s been getting down on her appearance:

  1. Be Willing To Listen. Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood. Show your girlfriend that you’re there for her and care about what she has to say. Don’t take over the conversation though; you want this to be about her.
  2. Find Out What The “Real” Problem Is. Often, body image issues are linked to low self-esteem due to other personal problems that need to be worked on. Ask your girlfriend questions to find out what’s really bothering her.
  3. Boost Her Self-Esteem. We compliment each other a lot on how we look, but when was the last time you told your girlfriend what makes her so special? Tell her what’s so great about her—other than her appearance. Helping your girlfriend feel good about herself as a whole can completely change her outlook on things.
  4. Avoid Fat Talk. Fat talk is repeating the same conversation over and over about our body insecurities. You might tell each other how you think you look terrible in a pair of jeans, or need to lose ten pounds before the summer. We ask each other “do I look terrible?” and reassure each other that we look good. But by obsessing over our insecurities about our bodies, studies have shown that we’re actually making them worse. Besides, there are so many more fun and interesting things for you and your girlfriend to talk about!healthy afternoon, positive self image
  5. Have Body-Nurturing Girlfriend Dates. You only get one body—take care of and pamper it together. Have girlfriend dates where you get your nails done or a massage (or even a nice spa day at home that’s more affordable!). Or you could get outside for a walk, breathe in the fresh air, talk, and get some exercise.
  6. Be A Positive Body Image Role Model. Lead by example! Show that you love and feel good about yourself and your attitude might be contagious. You’ll find that both you and your girlfriends will feel better.
  7. Realize Body Image Issues Come In All Shapes and Sizes. You might wonder how your girlfriend can be insecure, thinking to yourself, “But she’s so pretty/thin/etc.” But we all see ourselves in different ways, and what’s comfortable for one person may not be for another. Remember that your girlfriend’s concerns are important and meaningful to her and that’s what matters. Be supportive, not judging.
  8. Find And Share Inspiration. We’re bombarded by so many negative and harmful images and messages about our bodies in the media. Seek out body positive blogs, books, movies, etc. to counteract what your girlfriends are seeing. Share these inspirational sources with them. On my positive body image blog, I share lots of resources that can help.
  9. Educate Yourself and Your Girlfriend. Learn as much as you can about eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and disordered eating. Sometimes the problem is too big for you to solve on your own. If you think your friend might have a problem, encourage her to get professional help. Enlist the support of other friends and family members if you can.

Our girlfriends are to be cherished—help them to appreciate themselves the way we do. As women, we are so much more than our image in a mirror, clothing size, or number on a scale. Help your girlfriends recognize how gorgeous they are, inside and out.positive body image,feel better about yourself

CRISTINA FAHRBACH-CONNORS is a New York based freelance writer and attorney. She started her positive women’s body image blog, Size and Substance, because she feels it’s time for women to stop hating our bodies and tearing ourselves down. You can also follow her blog on facebook or on Twitter @cristinafconn.

What are your tips for helping your friends feel great about themselves?

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More Girlfriend Inspiration on Self Esteem:

 

 

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Helping a Girlfriend Deal with a Terminal Illness

Helping a Girlfriend Deal with a Terminal Illness

How to be a Friend to a Girlfriend with a Terminal Illness

Learning that a girlfriend has a terminal disease can be a devastating experience. In this beautiful and insightful blog, Kathlene Mullens shares her experience and tips for dealing with an ill friend.

It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  And boy, am I aware.  The issue of which I am aware, though, is of a girlfriend with a terminal illness that is not cancer.  Which disease she has is not important but nobody wants to hear that a loved one has a condition you’ve only heard of on House.  Her prognosis is sketchy beyond being horrible—nobody can tell her an expected timeframe for what “terminal” means for her.  But she cannot have kids.  Her mental and physical health will deteriorate in ways that are painful for her and for me to observe and contemplate.  In all likelihood, I will attend my friend’s funeral.

What do you do when a girlfriend comes to you with this news?  The answer is different for every girlfriend and every situation.  I can only share, with honesty and humility, how my girlfriend and I have handled it, and continue to handle it.

Know the stages of grief.  My favorite explanation is a cartoon giraffe in quicksand that illustrates the whole grieving process, which can take years, in under two minutes.  You’ll need to know the stages of grief to better understand your girlfriend, but also yourself.  As the girlfriend of someone with a terminal illness, you’ll have your own grief to which you must attend. Comprehension of the stages and their absolute normalcy will help you both.

Research. Knowledge is power, as our Schoolhouse Rock days taught us. As your girlfriend goes through her illness and decisions around it, you’ll be a more valuable friend if you know about the disease/condition, its prognosis and treatments, and ways loved ones can help.

Be realistic. In an effort to be supportive and positive, most people will adopt a focused “you’ll whip this, slugger” attitude towards your friend that in some ways denies her an opportunity to share the realities of what may be happening.  Being diagnosed with a terminal illness should color some of your life’s decisions and realities. There are challenges and issues that must be addressed. Refusing to acknowledge these is no help to your friend and will inhibit her in being able to confront her fears and disappointments and to take care of business that needs to be buttoned up.

Having said that, be supportive of treatments.  If my friend wanted to go to a faith healer tomorrow, I’d load up and go with her.  I am supportive of mainstream and alternative treatments that she wishes to try and talk over many of them with her, and have done enough research on her condition to be able to provide some intelligent feedback.  I believe in miracles.  My mantra is to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Accommodate the changes she’s going through to make life as “normal” as possible.  My friend, for example, has more trouble getting around and driving. When possible, we walk on pavement instead of hiking trails.  I drive a lot more than I used to when we are together—and more than half the time.  These are small tweaks that allow us to maintain the normalcy that we’ve enjoyed for so long.

Help her plan. Legal documents like wills, living wills, and other directives, funeral arrangements, care plans, and anything else that she needs your advice on—help her work through these.

Be honest about your emotions. She’s your friend—she needs to know how you’re doing with all of this and that you care about her. You will cry with her and for her.  This is okay.  It’s part of loving someone.

Don’t act like she has an “expiration date.” We don’t know when my friend is going to die.  We don’t know for sure that I won’t go first through some twist of fate. But we are not spending our waning days of life together in mourning.  More than ever, life and health is a precious resource not to be wasted. But we still make plans and talk about the future as if it will happen because, as far as we know, she’ll be around for a while.

Be prepared for Beaches to tear you up ever more than it used to.  The reason that movie is so powerful is how honestly it deals with friendship and death.

Laugh as much as possible. Find the humor and bright sides where you can and help her see them as well.  CC and Hillary showed us how in Beaches.

Should you find yourself in the unfortunate role of girlfriend to a girlfriend with a terminal illness, hopefully these tips help you both.  Remember, though—this is what’s worked for us.  Every friendship and every illness and every woman is unique—be honest, act in love, acquire knowledge, have hope and be pragmatic. The rest will work itself out. Peace be with you both.travel advice girlfriends terminal illness

KATHLENE MULLENS, MLHR, SPHR is the founder and CEO of Female Equality MattersTM, The “No Glass Ceiling” Certification/Brand©. With over a decade of HR experience in four Fortune 100 companies, as well as a master’s and senior certification in the discipline, Kathlene is using that expertise in diversity, recruiting, line HR, employee development, and technology to help leverage the power of consumer spending to yield more women, with more equitable pay, in the C-suite and board rooms. Check out Kathleen on Facebook and Twitter.

What other situations between friends are difficult? Let’s share our girlfriend advice for those. Thanks! & THANKS Kathlene!

As Kathlene mentioned – October is International Breast Cancer Awareness month. Here’s inspiration you don’t want to miss:

More girlfriend advice for tough situations …

That’s why we’re here – to inspire you to BE A BETTER FRIEND – even, and especially, when life hands you or a girlfriend tough situations.

COMFORTING GIFTS FOR FRIENDS: HEALING BASKETS provides gifts to comfort and support the broken hearted. From sympathy, and loss to cancer, get well, divorce and caregiving. These gifts encourage, comfort and inspire.

What other tough situations would you like us to cover on Girlfriendology? PLEASE SHARE below!

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A Gratitude Garden? Thankful for Spring and Friends | #ThankfulThurs

Gratitude-Garden-Thankful-ThursdayA garden requires patient labor & attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them.

Liberty Hyde Bailey

I made a trip to the local big box home and garden store last weekend. So did about a million other people.

It would seem that everyone knew that April is National Gardening Month – no coincidence its timing in regards to spring. Where I live the daffodils are already up, the hastas are breaking through and the tulips can’t be far behind. Time to get to work.

I love perennials. Returning faithfully each year, they are the surest sign of spring I know, other than spotting the first robin in my yard. They’re always there for me. Something I can depend upon. I also love annuals; one trip – well, several – to the home and garden store and my home’s springtime wardrobe is complete.

I read somewhere that research shows that nurturing plants has a healthful benefit for us, mind, spirit and body. You can see it throughout your neighborhood, your town, your city. I’m sure the figures for the money we spend on this springtime rebirth are enormous, and in my opinion it is money well spent.

It’s no surprise that many, many literary parallels have been drawn between gardening and personal relationships. Especially in this season of rebirth and growth and blooming, it becomes an especially good time to tend to our own friendship gardens.

There are the perennials – long time, steady friends that you know will always be there, even if they are out of sight for long periods of time.

Then there are the shorter-term friendships you make through book clubs and kids events and other activities. These are the friendships that can brighten your day on a day to day basis. And while these friendship may not be as deeply rooted as those of your perennials, there is no question that they need to be nurtured and cared for as much, if not more than the long time friendships.

In any event, good friendships, like good gardens, take time and effort on your part to grow into something that you can truly enjoy. When you work at cultivating your friendships through a kind word, a helping hand (perhaps working with them in their garden) you are working toward a time when you can just sit in your garden, relax, and enjoy your surroundings.

Think of your friendships as a garden that you are solely responsible for. At some point, you planted the seeds and did the things you needed to do to make things grow. Planning and organizing is important, doing things in a timely fashion with a purpose in mind always yields a more attractive relationship both with plants and girlfriends.

Still, even the very best and visually beautiful garden may have some weeds. Weeding is simply part of the process, and that which does not make your garden healthier, more vital and more attractive should be directly addressed.

So where does the idea of “thanks” come into all of this? I’d say the easiest thanks of all would be to thank nature for each year, without fail, reminding us of the importance intending to our growth and the growth of our friendships. And thanks for having a store where we can get the plants we need already well on their way.

Sometime this week, spend a few minutes with your gratitude journal and write down the friendships you are thankful for, both old and new. Maybe describe your friends and your friendships in gardening terms. Give them nicknames like Rose, and Fern and Daisy. Remind yourself to cultivate and if necessary, pull a few weeds from your garden. It all goes toward making your friendship garden stronger and more beautiful, something that you and your girlfriends can find joy in.

So dig into your friendships. Get your hands dirty girlfriends. It will all be well worth the effort.

 

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